Almost Always Anxious
My struggle with anxiety and leaning on the Lord’s love every day
By Shannan Rose Murray - July 6, 2024
Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, rejoice. Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:4-7
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earest Reader,
For the past few weeks, I’ve been resting on this section of scripture. I made a conscious decision to memorize Philippians 4:4-7 about a month ago because in the throes of my anxiety, I want to be able to recall scripture and meditate on it above anything else.
I’m usually pretty good at memorizing things. Since college though, I haven’t intentionally had to memorize anything so I picked up a couple tips to rework that skill that’s gotten a bit rusty. I wrote down Phillippians 4:4-7 and put it on my overhead mirror in my car so every time I do a quick check before I head into work, I read it. I jot it down in my journal every time I sit down to write in the morning. I breathe the words in and out at hot yoga when we’re told to close our eyes and have a time of “silent meditation”. I let the words replay in my mind over and over again in different ways all day until they feel like a song that’s stuck in my head.
I didn’t feel an urgency to memorize scripture until recently when I had a vulnerable conversation with a close relative.
While we were processing some things going on that week she asked me, “How often would you say you feel anxious?”
Oof, I thought. As I thought of my answer, I immediately felt sad and sort of ashamed.
“I feel like I’m almost always anxious,” I admitted.
I wasn’t diagnosed with anxiety and depression until I was 16. Over the past 10 years, I’ve tripped, tumbled, and twisted my way through understanding my anxiety and depression. I avoided going to therapy and refused to take medication at first because both made me feel like things were completely out of my control. Like I was inadequate, unfit to even take care of myself. For the longest time, I was holding myself together with a tight white knuckled grip. In my mind, if I wasn’t going to therapy and taking medication, I was still in control, I wasn’t damaged, I wasn’t lost.
But I wasn’t in control and I needed guidance, I was broken and I needed relief, I was lost and I needed to be rescued.
My first panic attack happened when I was 17, a junior in high-school.
I had never known what it was like to lean on the Lord’s love like I did at 17.
I remember leaving school early one day because I couldn’t get through an exam, the anxiety was coiling so tight inside me that day, clouding my mind with an excruciating migraine. Driving home, I was starting to lose control of my breathing and I just couldn’t catch my breath. I can picture the bumpy back road where I ended up pulling over because the tears were clouding my vision too much and I knew it was dangerous to keep driving.
I remember throwing myself out of the car and into the brush of the ditch, grabbing fistfulls of grass and twigs and dirt, and throwing them into the woods on the side of the road.
“Take this away God!” I remember sobbing.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I was so angry. I was so angry that I couldn’t get this under control. The anxiety was overwhelming me and it felt like a riptide pulling me under. What was wrong with me? Why am I like this? What did I do wrong?
I don’t remember how long I ended up staying on the side of the road. What I do remember is laying my hands flat on the top of my hand-me-down Honda Accord and surrendering it all to God.
“Jesus, I can’t do it alone. I need help. I need you.” Over and over, I was breathing the confession out until I could say it aloud without tears and hiccuped breaths.
He was waiting for me on that bumpy back road. Arms outstretched. Ready to rescue me.
I remember this Shannan at 17, who didn’t know yet that there was nothing wrong with her. That she was like this because God created her this way, in His image, not because of anything she had done wrong, but because of His perfect plan for her life.
Sometimes now when I have panic attacks and I feel weak, helpless, and alone in my anxiety, I have to remember Shannan at 17 and how far she’s come. The anxiety hasn’t gone away (as much as I would love to wave it au revoir), it’s still a part of me and I think it always will be.
But now, when I am afraid, I can find refuge in the fortress of God’s care where nothing can touch my soul. I can dwell in a place guarded by God because the Holy Spirit is a calm space within me where I am protected with His peace.
The hardest part is refusing to sit in sorrow and remembering it. Remembering that I can and NEED to lean on the Lord's love every day because He is my fortress, I will never be shaken - Psalm 62:2.
Maybe you experience anxiety and maybe you don’t (I hope you don’t!), but there’s no mistaking that Jesus is doing something in the secret place inside your soul - inside all of our souls. How can you uncover this heart work He’s calling you towards today? How can you lean on the Lord's love to fight back against anxiety?
Not sure where to start?
First, in prayer, ask God to reveal it to you!
That can look like something as simple as this: Lord, I know there is work to be done in me. Can you show me where anything is out of alignment in my heart and help me to return it back to you?
Then, fill yourself with Truth because feelings are fickle, but His Word never fails.
Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, rejoice. Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:4-7
Let go of the reins and don’t do it on your own strength. If you need guidance, if you need relief, if you need to be rescued, lean on the Lord *inhale-2-3-4, exhale-2-3-4* and he’ll never let go.
Yours truly,
